holiday party season, the imminent arrival of my parents, and a tsunami evacuation.
nothing says the holidays like a little bit of drama!
Naturally around the holidays, things get overwhelming. I’m also about five days out from getting my period. Yay, womanhood! But you guys, I’m a mess. I called my boyfriend in tears about literally nothing yesterday.
He’s always the best, but tonight he listened to me crying for about twenty-five minutes before interrupting me to tell me his food was getting cold and he needed to get off the phone. What a babe.
What I was freaking out about, which, I think I have a reason to be like ‘wtf omg’ about is my impending visa application deadline, which has been made a little more stressful (albeit just to me) with an impending Trump presidency, and, my parents coming for the holidays and meeting the in-laws for the first time.
I had been telling everyone I had it together for the longest amount of time, but last night, it dawned on me, that quite possibly, I do not have it together.
I’m the kind of person, that, for the longest time, never asked for help from anybody. I’d find it the biggest flex that I could handle everything life threw at me on my own.
Then, I met my partner, who found my drive and self-sufficiency attractive, but finally allowed me to exhale, and made me realise I was living in survival mode (because that’s how I’ve been since I was about 15), and, that I don’t need to do that anymore.
(This is why, we’re doing the joint family holiday thing, because he’s the best thing to happen to me since sliced bread.)
But like any family dynamic, mine is far from perfect and their impending arrival has started to freak me out. It’s like a fucking Christmas movie, like the ones I love watching religiously every year.
my brain: will they say the wrong thing? (quite possibly.) will they share embarrassing stories about my life? (probably.) and one completely irrational but not entirely out of the realm of possibility thought, which, i'm not even going to give the time of day by writing here.
Maybe I need to stop watching all these movies and start living in reality.
My therapist told me, that to me, I’m the only person that is deeply triggered by everything they do, and to them (the in-laws), they’ll be experiencing everything with fresh eyes, and for the first time.
I love my parents despite their flaws, and I know they love me too (despite mine). At the end of the day, I’m my own person now, and I very much march to the beat of my own drum, not theirs. And it’s the holidays. It’s already a loaded time, it brings out all the weird energy in a lot of people.
Just know you’re not alone!
Anyway, I had the most intense dream last night. One that had me up at 3 am in a panic, and could not shake the feeling of existential dread. Classic anxiety. By the time morning rolled around, I could still remember my dream at 7 am, so decided to write it down.
One, to get it out of my head and onto paper, and two, in the hope that maybe later, I’d be able to reflect and analyse what it meant.
What I wrote was:
Today, I was working in San Francisco. I had already not really slept well because of my wild dream, and, out of nowhere, everyone’s phones went off with an emergency alert.
Usually, they’re still things to pay attention to and act accordingly, but this one was different.
It was a fucking tsunami evacuation alert.
Like, leave and get to higher ground immediately kind of alert.
I’m Australian and I don’t fuck around with those kinds of Government warnings, I’ve seen people ignore them during bushfires and floods, so I was freaking out and getting ready to gtfo of the studio and get up to the top of the hill Mia Thermopolis stalled her gorgeous Mustang on.
What are the chances though of getting a tsunami evacuation after I’d had that dream? I don’t believe in coincidences.
So naturally I’m freaking out. First things first though. Who is baby George?
Maybe I’m a psychic? Clairvoyant? Mentally ill? Don’t answer that.
It wasn’t a false alarm, but the tsunami wasn’t a big one (literally, thank god. I mean it.)
This is how I’ve since interpreted my dream. A body of water that’s overpowering and destroying people or things is usually linked to emotions, and a feeling of overwhelm; kind of what I’ve just been describing above. Case closed.
In the next 10 days before they arrive, I think I’m going to about seven different events, I still haven’t put up my tree (my Dad LOVES Christmas decorations), I have a couple of days of work that still involve travel, and I need to clean my house… you get the point.
But, grateful it wasn’t the worst-case scenario, and I at least get to dissociate and go to my holiday parties until they arrive.
So, what better way to kick it all off than by running you through what I’m planning on wearing?
I wore this Doen dress for Thanksgiving.
I watched the new holiday movie on Netflix, ‘A Perfect Match’ the night before literally wanted what Lindsay Lohan got. I also want the other thing she got, when the time is right.
It’s very holiday, and very California holiday too. I wore that dress last year to a holiday parties, so extra brownie points for outfit repeating.
I have this Damson Madder dress I was gifted, and I’m dying to wear it soon. It’s pink, has puff sleeves, and bows - could it be a more perfect dress? I think I’ll wear it with a red stocking?
Are you adding up my brownie points? Add a couple more because I’m re-wearing the dress I wore on the red carpet to my rookie year of Sports Illustrated to my friend’s 40th birthday party. It’s a lot. But, before you all come at me, the theme is a snowball, and he’s signed off on it.
I am still waiting for the perfect moment to wear this stunning Alemais dress… Perhaps New Years?
I’ve got a fundraiser for Planned Parenthood that I’m going to, and I’m either going to wear a Doen dress that I wore last year (I hope you’re still counting my points.. here’s a similar one) with a tight and these shoes from Sezane, or this Posse dress.
Then, they’re here! It’s the first time they’ve ever come to visit me since I moved overseas (so it’s a big deal). We’re going to NYC for a week, so will definitely be planning and packing around a very not Californian winter!
Until next time, with love x